Have you ever felt worried about disappointing others and prioritized their needs over your own, even at the cost of your well-being?
- “Sure, I can do that. It’s no problem!”
- “I’ve got a lot on my plate, but I can push it back and stay.”
- “I’ll just work it out somehow.”
- “I can’t let anyone down, so I’ll make it work.”
- “Why didn’t I say no? I knew I couldn’t handle this.”
- “Why do I always end up taking on too much?”
If these scenarios sound familiar, wouldn’t it be nice to say “yes” from a place of abundance, rather than worrying about disappointing others? Let’s explore 5 ways to begin overcoming people-pleasing tendencies and reclaim your personal boundaries.
Step 1: Recognize the Difference Between Caring and Caretaking
People often confuse caring for others with caretaking. Caring comes from a place of abundance, where you offer help out of genuine desire and have no strings attached. Caretaking, on the other hand, comes from a place of emotional emptiness—offering help to feel valued or needed. Robert Glover discusses this in his book No More Mr. Nice Guy. When we shift from caretaking to true caring, we free ourselves from the need to be constantly validated by others.
Strategy: Start by asking yourself, “Am I helping because I want to, or because I feel like I have to?” By recognizing this distinction, you can make choices that are authentic rather than driven by fear of rejection.
Step 2: Identify Your Core Beliefs About People-Pleasing
Many people-pleasers have internalized beliefs like “I must always be helpful to be loved” or “If I say no, people will reject me.” These beliefs often stem from childhood experiences where you learned that being helpful or agreeable was a way to earn love or avoid conflict.
Strategy: Write down the beliefs that fuel your people-pleasing behaviors. Then, challenge these beliefs by asking, “Is this really true?” For instance, have you ever said no to someone and they still valued or respected you? Begin replacing limiting beliefs with healthier ones, like, “My worth is not defined by my ability to please others.”
Step 3: Practice Setting Small Boundaries
The thought of saying “no” can be intimidating if you’re used to always saying “yes.” But setting boundaries is key to overcoming people-pleasing. Start with small boundaries to build your confidence. These can be as simple as saying, “I’ll need to get back to you” instead of immediately agreeing to a request.
Strategy: Begin with small steps—decline an invite when you’re too busy, or tell someone you’ll respond later. When you practice this regularly, you build the muscle to set larger boundaries when necessary.
Step 4: Embrace Discomfort and Guilt
Saying no may initially make you feel uncomfortable or guilty. It’s important to recognize that these feelings are normal, especially if you’ve been people-pleasing for years. The key is to sit with these emotions and allow them to pass, rather than rushing to “fix” them by reverting to old habits.
Strategy: After you set a boundary or say no, take a moment to reflect on the emotions that arise. Acknowledge that feeling discomfort doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong—it simply means you’re breaking out of an old pattern.
Step 5: Reaffirm Your Self-Worth
At the core of people-pleasing is a need for external validation. To overcome this, you must begin to see your worth as inherent, rather than something earned through pleasing others. Remember, you are valuable just as you are, without having to say yes to every request or meet everyone else’s needs.
Strategy: Practice affirmations or self-compassion exercises to remind yourself of your inherent worth. For example, tell yourself, “I am enough, even when I say no.” Reaffirming your worth will help you maintain healthy boundaries and reduce the fear of disappointing others.
Conclusion
Breaking free from people-pleasing takes time and practice, but these 5 steps can help you start the journey. By recognizing the difference between caring and caretaking, challenging your core beliefs, setting boundaries, embracing discomfort, and reaffirming your self-worth, you can create a life where your needs matter just as much as anyone else’s.